i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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