just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize