my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
