We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
