I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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