I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
