genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
