He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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