I wish I could teleport
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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