I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
