Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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