Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You ruined the universe
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
