Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
