After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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