Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
