I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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