I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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