i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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