that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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