my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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