they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
