WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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