Dignity is for republicans.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
