I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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