She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
