please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
