guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
