I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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