I can text with my tongue
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
