Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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