When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
