She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
