I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
As shirtless as possible
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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