mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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