yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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