his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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