I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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