We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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