Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
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