There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
