You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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