If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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