what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I need to align my fucking chakras
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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