I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
