I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize