Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
