Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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