I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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