just survived the first fart of the relationship.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
