I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
