Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
my poor anus
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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