dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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