I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
