im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They took my balls.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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