that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
