I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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