You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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