Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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