either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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