if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
