actually, I'm a sock model
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She bit a glass in half.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
