There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
