I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
