He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize